And though it can feel burdensome at times, especially if you don't have the support or assistance you need, providing care for a loved one can also be a life-changing experience - one that transforms you in 'doing the good beyond yourself' and frees you to love more deeply than you ever thought possible.

But when a person is exhausted and overworked, saddened and distraught, caregiving often does not feel like a blessing. It feels overwhelming. This is why it is essential to put into place as much care and support and respite as is possible.

Self-Care

Though at first it might feel like it is 'too much bother,' we'd like to encourage you to "just say yes" to help.

Please allow yourself to take some respite from some of the many duties of caregiving. Taking care of someone who is seriously ill 'all by your lonesome' can put your own heath at risk - not to mention the health of the person you are caring for. So, if possible, let go of the unhealthy and unreal image of 'Superman or Superwoman Caregiver.'

Instead, pick up the blue and white sari of Mother Teresa of Calcutta. In her humble wisdom, this diminutive nun (with the super-sized soul!), who spent a lifetime caring for the poorest of the poor, has much to teach us about the gentle art of caregiving.

Mother Teresa believed powerfully in the care of the sick and dying. She made a practice, in her everyday life, of caring for each person she met as if they were "Christ in distressing disguise." After many years of setting up 'Homes for the Dying' and systems of caregiving in cities all across the world, Mother Teresa received the Nobel Peace Prize. At the time, a reporter asked her this question:

"Mother Teresa, how do you recommend that we advance the cause for world peace?"

Mother Teresa's simple yet profound reply? "Go home, and take care of your families."

Taking care of our families is exactly what most of us as caregivers are attempting to do. But it is not easy - not easy at all. Mother Teresa knew that - and so she also made sure her fellow Missionaries of Charity (that is what we all are, after all; missionaries of charity) had enough food, rest, and respite from their very difficult jobs. She mandated time for recreation, knowing as she did, that we humans become sick and burned out if we do not have adequate time off from our daily labors.

And because she walked her caregiving talk, she believed literally that "love your neighbor as yourself" is the heighth and depth of Christian charity. But Mother Teresa never forgot, as some of us do, the "as yourself" piece of that prescription. Without that very vital piece, the whole caregiving system - and much of life - falls apart.

Self-care in the context of energy stewardship is not at all selfish: in fact, it is quite the opposite of selfish. Effective stewardship of your own strategic energy reserves is important for any job, but it is vital for the job of caregiving. Most of us know from personal experience what happens when our own strategic energy reserves begin to dip to below sustainable levels - we get weaker and the costs of caregiving increase. The toll of low energy reserves includes decreased immunity to illness, and added physical and emotional stress - which we want to avoid.

So, here is your "Prescription for Self-Care."

Practice the ancient Hebrew tradition of maraii, which is 'taking tender loving care of oneself.' Cut yourself a huge slice of slack, daily. Know that you are doing the best you can.
Each day try to take a little time for a 'want-to,' (not a 'should-do' or a 'must-do,' but a want to). This want-to might be a short walk, or it might be reading a novel for an hour at a local coffee shop. It might be 'retail therapy' involving the purchase of a new outfit, or it might be taking an hour out to work in your garden. It might even be sitting still at home with a cup of hot tea.

You will know what fills you up - this is your own personal daily want-to prescription. Whatever you self-identify as 'food for body and soul' should become your regularly scheduled 'want-to.' Try to give yourself regular permission to do this - it is important for your own overall health as the myriad of prescription medications are for your loved one's health. Take a page from Nike and "Just do it."

Spiritual Support.

In addition to scheduling a daily 'want-to' prescription, it is a good idea to make time for reflection and for spiritual renewal. Mother Teresa herself believed in the power of lived prayer as a means of coping with the all-encompassing needs of being a caregiver. She knew that our souls become parched and arid without 'rain from on high' to nourish and refresh us. This is why she also set aside prioritized time for daily prayer and reflection.

Prayer-time does not have to include time away from caregiving, though it can. In fact, sometimes the most consoling prayer occurs right in the midst of the cross of illness and the everyday troubles. Some people find quiet reading from Torah to be immensely comforting, while for others simply praying the Lord's Prayer, or the Rosary might be preferable. Others may prefer the simple prayer of another holy man - Brother Lawrence of God, a monk from the middle ages. Brother Lawrence simply practiced the presence of God by praying the name of 'Jesus' throughout the day, no matter what he was doing.

In truth, the God who loves you, listens to you no matter which sort of prayer you employ. He longs to comfort you in your sorrow, accompany you in your caregiving trials, and provide you with the strength you need to endure. Consider reconnecting with your religious or spiritual heritage. If you don't have a particular faith heritage, that's okay. Feel free to discover God's abiding love for you in the midst of your life.

Please refer to the section in this guide entitled: Spiritual Growth.

Respite.

Weaving a fabric of care around someone who is seriously ill is challenging. And it can feel like a bother. Issues of time, coverage, finances, communication, and control, among others, will surface. But it is much better to choose help before a crisis. All too often it requires a serious episode or hospitalization before some people choose to bring in additional help. Unfortunately, waiting so long often reduces the number of available options and choices.

So, get help early and get help often!

Be creative. If finances are a problem, remember your community. It may be help is available but that all you need to do is ask. Allow yourself to trust that those co-workers, friends, family members, neighbors, and church volunteers really mean it when they say: "What can I do to help?" Or "Just call me. Anything. Anything at all. I'm here for you."

We know. It really is hard to ask for help.

Most of us humans would much rather give than receive. But consider this: Have you ever made just such an offer? Didn't you feel helpless that you couldn't make your dear friend's illness go away? And so you brought food, helped take care of children, wrote a card, offered to help in any way you could. Allowing others to help provides them with the opportunity to participate in the blessing. Say yes to 'receiving as you give.'

Okay, let's say you are ready for some additional outside help. Perhaps you�ve already asked for and/or accepted the help of family, friends and church members and you are ready for 'the next level' of professional help. Please see Selecting home health or hospice care for details and more information on home care and hospice services and how best to access them.

Back to Table of Contents

Next page: Chapter 3: Care for the caregiver: A practical guide