The St. Thomas Guide to Surviving Grief:
Including the 'Take a Bath' Cure for what ails you
Do you feel weighted down, exhausted by burdens? Burdened by illness? Sorrow? Or grief?
Take a bath.
Seriously. Some of the best minds in history agree. It turns out that taking a bath is not only good for you, but a highly recommended remedy for pain and sorrow.
Surprised?
It's true. Saint Thomas of Aquinas himself weighs in. As does Aristotle. And Saint Augustine.
St. Thomas, it turns out, was keenly aware of the sorrows of life - of the burdens of living in a broken world. Not infrequently in his writings, he expresses concern about the weight of grief in our lives. At different times in his life, Saint Augustine mourned the deaths of his mother, his dearest friend, and his little son. (His little boy died at a very young age.) He felt desolate: "All this grief, my heart was utterly darkened ... I was miserable and without joy."
In the midst of his grief, Augustine found comfort - in God, his faith, dear friends, and surprisingly, in the soothing simplicity of bathing. "I have heard that the bath derived its name from the fact that it drives away distress of spirit ..." St. Thomas, quoting St. Augustine. Summa, Question 38
In need of a remedy for sorrow?
Slow down. Draw a bath. Light a candle. Put on some music. Soak. Pray. Soothe your spirit. Quiet your heart. Remember your loved ones, living and dead. Breathe out sorrows. Breathe in blessings. Cherish friendships, relationships. Reflect. Rejoice. Get things in perspective. Pray some more. Read. Relax.
Thomas, Augustine, and Aristotle were 'manly men.' They were busy. Yet they took time out from their busy lives to take a bath. And so can you. If you're not used to the practice, you might feel silly the first time you take a 'therapeutic bath' or hot tub (or the second!). But stick with it. You might even want to consider 'scheduling' bath time once or twice a week. Soak up the ancient art of relaxation. Allow your self to unwind. The therapeutic effects of bathing have been known for some time - the tradition of bathing as a means of mitigating distress is shared across cultures and histories.
Despite all this 'pro-bath' advice, perhaps taking a bath just isn't your thing. You might say: "OK, I'm happy that baths worked for Thomas, Aristotle, and Augustine. Good for them. Still, I am not a bath person. No way. Never will be."
No problem. As it happens, Aristotle, Thomas, and Augustine have some alternate suggestions for you. In the Summa, under the section entitled "Remedies for Sorrow or Pain." Thomas speaks of five ways for reducing sorrow or pain (1) delight, (2) weeping or groaning, (3) the sympathy or company of friends, (4) contemplation of truth, and (5) sleeping or taking baths. (Note for non-bath takers, a short nap may be helpful!) Here's a quick summary of Thomas' non-bath recommendations:
(1) Delight: Both Thomas and Augustine knew that 'delight' is tough to find, especially as we 'walk through the valley of death.' Perhaps these 'doctors for the church' meant for us to breath what blessings we may, even in the midst of life's sorrows - blessings of family and faith, of nature and grace. Perhaps delighting in a tree-shrouded walk, appreciating the delicate bloom of a flower, or the pungent scent of a rain-washed sky might engender within us some small degree of delight. Or perhaps the memories of our beloved departed or the laugh of a little child might lighten our spirits. Experiencing delight can help us as to 're-focus' our sorrow, keep it in perspective, allow room for hope.
(2) Weeping and groaning: "Augustine says that when he was sorrowing over his friend's death, it was only in sobs and tears that he found a little relief..." (St. Thomas) As anyone who has experienced significant grief can attest, waves of sorrow can roll in without a moments notice, brought on by the simplest of stimuli, from the sight of a woman who looks like a beloved spouse now deceased, the sound of a voice like that of a long-dead brother, or a smile like that of a much-missed child. Even the scent of a loved one's favorite meal cooking or a whiff of special perfume or cologne can 'set off' intense feelings of longing, the grief of missing a deceased loved one.
Frequently, in circumstances such as these, the only way to feel relief is to 'allow our eyes to sweat' from the 'soul-work out' in the same way as we might allow our body to sweat during a more conventional physical work-out. In many cultures, intense grief is accompanied by moaning or groaning - think the women of Jerusalem mourning Jesus' impending death during the 'Way of the Cross.' In Western culture, we might be more comfortable letting slip either tears or the 'torrent of sighs' that seems to have bottled itself up inside our grief - though moans and groans are fine too.
As St. Thomas so eruditely notes, "Hurtful things hurt still more if they are pent up inside us, for the soul is then more concentrated upon them." Unexpressed sorrow hurts - be it the sorrow of grief, the sorrow of sin, or the sorrow of un-forgiveness. And as both Thomas and Augustine discovered, forgiveness can be a key ingredient for healing 'pent up hurt.' Sometimes talking about the hurt can help - either via a support group or with a trusted friend or relative. Other times, the best course is setting aside time for frequent prayer, reading sacred scripture, and receiving the sacraments. One underutilized source of tremendous grace and healing is the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This 'forgotten' sacrament can serve as a healing balm for pent-up hurts of every kind, including grief-related anger, lasting hurt, un-forgiveness, or guilt. Other sources of consoling grace are: daily mass attendance, praying the rosary, and 'making visits' to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.
(3) Sympathy of Friends: "It is natural, in sorrow, to be consoled if a friend shares our grief. First, sorrow weighs one down; it is a load which, of course, one tries to lighten. When therefore a person sees others joining him in sorrow, it feels as if they are helping him carry the load, trying to lessen its weight on him; so the burden weighs on him less heavily, just as in the case of carrying physical weights." (St. Thomas)
'I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders' is the sort of statement any one of us experiencing intense personal sorrow can make. In Cameroon, West Africa, women walk many miles each day just to collect the wood they need for warmth and cooking. There, the statement is literal as well as figurative. High in the mountains, near the village of Shisong, women can be seen walking long distances with unbelievably large stacks of firewood balanced precariously right on top of their heads. In response to this sight, the locals use a Pidgin English expression: "Ashaw."
Ashaw means, quite literally, 'sorry for your heavy burden.' And it is used both for women actually bearing the weight of wood on their shoulders and for a person experiencing life's sorrows or difficulties - for the figurative burden. 'Ashaw for troubles!' a sympathetic friend might say in response to a tough day, or an ill or grieving loved one. Sadly, we don't have a similar expression in the King's English that describes communal empathy so sweetly.
But it is interesting that villagers high in the mountains of West Africa would intuitively grasp what Aristotle grasped in Greece several thousand years ago, what Augustine knew a few centuries after Christ, and what Thomas Aquinas detailed in the summa many more centuries later: Sorrow is indeed a load. And that load is best lightened when shared willingly and lovingly by friend and family. Thomas speaks to the second reason that friends assuages our sorrow: "When a person’s friends share in his sorrow, he sees that they love him: and this fact is itself a source of delight." To know that one is loved is a delight - true love casts out sorrow - or at least mitigates it so that it becomes more bearable.
(4) Contemplation of Truth: 'The Contemplation of Truth' is just another way to describe prayer - which is simply 'talking with and listening to God.' The journey through grief, like the road the apostles walked to Emmaus in the frightening aftermath of Jesus' death, is a place where we can recognize the Lord - and invite him prayerfully into our hearts and our lives. To recognize Jesus in the 'breaking of the bread' as the apostles did, and in the celebration of the Eucharist as we do, is the source and summit of all Love. And consolation.
In total, the five recommendations of Thomas, Augustine, and Aristotle provide for 'heart-balm' might well be read as prescriptions - a modern RX for a very ancient problem - the problem of sorrow in our lives. It might behoove each of us to take a few moments and write down the re-worded prescription - either on a three by five card, in our daily schedule book, or on a computer.
'The Saint Thomas Guide to Surviving Grief'
1. Delight in loving and in being loved. Open your eyes to beauty; breath in blessings.
2. Weep in sorrow; groan in disappointment. Cherish the memory of loved ones.
3. Allow the company of dear friends to comfort you. In turn, comfort your friends in sorrow. Seek forgiveness. Offer forgiveness. Pray for loved ones - living and dead.
4. Make time to contemplate truth, time for prayer, for consolation, for Reconciliation. And for the Eucharist. Make time to listen to the still small voice of the Spirit.
5. Take a bath. Exercise your soul and your body. Be sure to rest, to sleep, to take good care of yourself, to be a steward of God's gift of you. And don't forget to reach out to others - feed God's other little lambs with the love and consolation you have received from him.
Five remedies, simple, yet profound. It sounds like a lot - and it is. But it is not impossible. Try one thing first, and the rest will follow. Join with some of the brightest minds in history. Join with Saint Thomas of Aquinas, Saint Augustine, and Aristotle. Try what worked for them: It just might work for you.
Take a bath. And go from there.
Feel free to copy this article for the purpose of sharing with individual family or friends in need. Churches or organizations wishing to make use of this or other grief-related program materials should contact Consoling Grace at 206-366-2715 or email us at info@ConsolingGrace.org Thank You!
Copyright 2006 Eileen Geller